


To bathe in your light

by LiterallyAmazingPhan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phanfiction, TW implied self-harm, TW negativity, TW sadness, phanfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-16
Updated: 2015-03-16
Packaged: 2018-03-31 15:42:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3983650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiterallyAmazingPhan/pseuds/LiterallyAmazingPhan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Home was a person who lived so far and yet reached through the screen and touched his heart like no other. The one who made the distance feel like it wasn’t even there whenever his name popped up on his screen. The only person who actually filled him with joy and made his heart skip a beat and his mind wonder: is that it? Is it my reason?</p>
            </blockquote>





	To bathe in your light

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I was sad, so I coughed up this little one just to get my feelings out. I hope the message in the end touches you somehow.
> 
> A/N 2: Originally posted in my tumblr, now also reposted here.

Nightfall gently wafted through the curtains, a breeze of eternal blue dimming the brightness of the sun. Much the same were the shadows which took over the light in his eyes, lost to a distance not even technology could overcome. It was almost humorous how dependent he was on the other’s light for his own to shine, for his soul to glow and marvel in awe of the other’s brightness.

But here he was, as dark as a raven crossing the night sky. Would he ever be complete? Was it even possible to find purpose? To find life amidst the chaotic thoughts, the ones which would never quit, buzzing around his head? He didn’t know and he thought to himself if that’s all he was ever going to be: someone who is fascinated and scared by the immensity of the vast universe and how small his soul was, a speck of dust staring straight into the great beyond.

A huge sigh left his lips, the weight of life itself on his shoulders. He feared the vast possibilities of existence as much as he dreaded the idea of not actually experiencing it. But what was he supposed to do? Is there a way his glow would ever surpass the mark the stars leave in the dark sky? Can he ever be the beacon of hope, the one who exudes the light that consumes others and sends the inevitable tragedy of finitude away for as long as it reaches you?

Eyes fixed on the ceiling, laying on his back, the boy contemplates things so much bigger than himself. Sadness that cuts far deeper than meets the eye, the pain of longing for more, of dreaming that one day he can erupt from the darkness and become the soft morning light, the delicate one that can always lead you back home.

Home had a whole different meaning for him, though. Home was not a place, it could never be.  Home was many miles away, an abstraction through a screen, a face that could always fill him with joy, the one who never realized the impact his beaming smile brought to people. The one who had no idea that no matter how insignificant he thought himself to be and how much he told himself none of it mattered, would unknowingly pull him back out of the dark blue sea. The one who saved him whenever he felt like giving a physical outlet to his own pain, to mark himself as a reminder of his own shortcomings.

Home was a person who lived so far and yet reached through the screen and touched his heart like no other. The one who made the distance feel like it wasn’t even there whenever his name popped up on his screen. The only person who actually filled him with joy and made his heart skip a beat and his mind wonder: is that it? Is it my reason?

Home was the light that shone through the poor-quality footage of skype calls deep into the night. The beautiful eyes that looked deep into his soul and watched sadly as he suffered from afar, arms itching to hold, to feel his warmth and hear his calming heartbeats, lulling his problems away.

So they did the next best thing: they talked all through the night and discussed the universe and its endless possibilities they had yet to face, the wonders they had yet to see. They never discussed the fluttering of their hearts when their eyes meet, or the sparks that ignited whenever they thought about finally being able to feel and hold each other close.

It wasn’t easy to get through some of his crisis, he reckoned. He was thankful for the companionship, and the worry in his eyes whenever the sadness threatened to be too overwhelming. These moments were the worst, because he  _knew_  he was hurting him somehow, giving away some of his own gentle gloom. It wasn’t something he could control and it hurt him to know that the longing only grew, the homesickness of a home he couldn’t really call his,  not really.

He stayed in his own room, though, surrounded by the darkness erupting from within. He wondered what would it be like to get his head out of the water and breathe-in life for the first time. How it would be like to just take control and bathe in the light that sent his monsters away.

Reaching out, he decided to take matters into his own hands. He would struggle his way out of the dreaded darkness and find his way back into daylight. Grabbing his laptop, he decided it was about time for him to make a change. To willingly step away from the pain, no matter how hard it would be to take that first step.

Pressing the call button felt like giving his first steps into a new world. And of course his first steps were towards the one who mattered the most. You could say they were towards the light outside of the cave, embracing life and breathing in all the scary possibilities that kept him prostrated for so long. Making the call, he anxiously awaited, unsaid words burning his tongue: his choice, his big chance to find his way home.

His face came up on the screen and he knew. The light in his blue eyes overcame any trace of darkness that tried to suffocate him. A smile spread through his face as his soul shone just as bright, not a mere reflection of his soulmate’s anymore. He took the chance, knowing in his bones that his time to breathe had finally come and the intoxicating aura of life shook him to the core. Taking a shaky breath, no hesitation, he looked into the sparkly eyes of the one who changed his world upside down and took the leap, arms wide open into life.

And you know what? He never looked back, not even after all these years. He made it into the light and now so many people were able to shine because he took that chance. The scared boy grabbed onto the other’s hand and ran far and wide. They kept going, spreading the light whenever they went, laughing together, finding home in the most impossible ways. Home was whenever they could have each other. Their brightness had now taken over the world and, frankly, they wouldn’t have it any other way. 

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think, yeah? :)


End file.
